Sunday, 20 January 2008

Whatchu Chatting About, Blud?

I lmfao when I hear what passes for vernacular these days
A sket is a skirt which means girl
who gives head to any man passing by her yard
Prang is not nang which means good
It means scared or para like, when you've been blazing too much weed.
How limited is our lexicon
When everything that happened today
Was 'random'?
How ironic is it that
No-one actually knows what irony actually means
(I blame Alanis and her ten thousand spoons)

Thursday, 10 January 2008

I Fought The Law And The Law Won

I done did me a law degree, you know.
I done got me an Archbishop Reverend Desmond, you know.
Yeah, I know.
What was I thinking?
I'll tell you what I was thinking.
I was always shit at school
Always on report
Always Tardy Boy cos I had to get the Tube,
And I was rude. Oh boy, I tell you I was rude
I told this teacher one day that I'll show her my pubes
And when my teacher told my Dad, he became rude
On my arse,
And he lashed me and battered my face
Like he was Ian Beale and he was frying a plaice
I remember my Mum that day,
Wading in to help me
From the thunderous blows
Of my Dad's bolts
Begging and pleading for my Dad to stop
"Chinedu, Chinedu, stop now, stop!"
And then ten seconds later,
She was having a pop.
This meandering reverie I call my education
Carried on throughout SATs
(which, let's be honest, were a pile of gash)
I got Level 5 in Science, Level 6 in Maths, and Level 7 in English
For those of you that are interested in my grades.
Shades of brilliance were evident in the sphere of Sport
Which you'll find even my good friend Heracles support
Visions of me, with the skill, the strength and the heart to be a winner
Oh it weren't for beginners!
Deep down in your soul.
Oh I was a gladiator!
I played rugby and hockey, football, athletics
My Dad, yes my Dad again, he went apoplectic.

"Chukwuemeka! Chukwuemeka! Where have you been?"
I've been at rugby training.
"Why aren't you doing your homeworks?"
Because I've just come back from rugby training.
"Well you haven't done your homeworks for two weeks now. Why?
Well Dad, the great thing about being on a sports teams at school is you can get away with doing no homework. It's brilliant isn't it.

The veracity of my statements were,
Strictly speaking not all true
As my quietitude proved
At Parents' Evening.
That was
the only night in the year where
Diligence and I would flirt
The only night in the year where
I had essays for dessert
The only night in the year where
I did any homework
the only night in the year where
My arse really hurt.
I was described by Mr Wellington as a loveable rogue
While I'd be tying together the shoelaces on his big brown brogues
But I was eloquent, ebullient and charming to boot
You just couldn't hate a precocious little imp like me
you were my Dad, yes my Dad again
Who thought my behaviour was beyond the pale.
"You're stupid, you're an idiot, you're going to fail!"
So I thought alright,
I'll show that cunt.
And I'll bet he'll hear this and think
That it was all his own doing,
But I'll acheive in spite of the butt-whoopings
Not because of them.
So I banged out straight As at A Level.
On Results' Day
I couldn't wait
I'd rehearsed my little speech
That I was gonna say
Take this A
Take this A
Take this A
And take this U in General Studies
For those of you who are interested in my grades
Put them in your pipe and
Smoke them.
He was sat there with two flutes and a bottle of Chandon.
I've digressed it seems and you all might wonder
How all this relates to my legal blunder.
To cut a long story short, you see
I decided that I'd do me a law degree
I was actually good at school
I was good at lots of sports
Extra-curricular Boy
Public speaking and all sorts
Then actually got to uni where I had
10meg broadband straight to my desk
And I spent the next three years
On BlacksOnBlondes dot com.